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by Chris Muldoon

If I had one complaint about working for Crowley Webb, it’s that we don’t do nearly enough infomercials. None, actually. Which is a shame, because I think I’d really excel in the genre.

First, I’d want the most bizarre product ever. I’m talking a gizmo so useless, it makes the Roll Up Electric Piano seem vital to everyday life.

Then, I’d rack my brain to come up with the greatest As-Seen-On-TV name ever. Perhaps it will be catchy, like ShamWow. Maybe I’ll go the descriptive route, à la The George Foreman Lean, Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine. Or if I’m feeling really saucy, I’ll totally disregard the concept of correct spelling, just like the geniuses behind SNORenz.

The next step is getting a spokesman. Everyone knows that Billy Mays is the hottest guy in the infomercial world right now. But I’d have to go with the wily veteran, Richard Simmons. How can you not buy something from a guy in spandex?

Now all that’s left is the pièce de résistance – the overly dramatic black-and-white disaster montage. Without it, you’d never know how backbreaking it is to mop a floor, or how dangerous an iron board can be.

There you have it – my loftiest career ambition. Guess I’ll just have to wait for the opportunity to arise. Too bad I can’t bring my dream to fruition with three easy payments of $29.99.

Comments

[Steve Lowe]

"Not Exactly Beethoven's Movement"

Chris, I have the perfect product for us to create and infopitch: "Fece-E-Z" and yup, you guessed it: it's a laxative.
I can already picture the black and white montages of the frustrated people sitting on the toilet having a crappy not-crapping time.
Billy Mays would be great, but I bet ya dollars to donuts that there's a younger, hungrier and even keener huckmeister out there, whose dreams of being the next Billy Mays, we can turn into reality.

Cawl me

[liz]

That's funny. I just told muldooners the same thing.

[matt low]

i really want the shamwow. i'm not kidding.